ARIES (March 21 – April 20):
Uh oh. You think you may have made a huge mistake. Fret not. All will be well.

TAURUS (April 21 – May 21):
It’s time to break free.
Sure, they’ll just keep pulling you. Back. In. But this is good practice.

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21):
Take it down a notch, big shot. The planets, and your ruler Mercury in particular, warn that you’ll be all frigged up if you shoot your wad in a big, stupid way.

CANCER (June 22 – July 23):
Hide under your bed for a while. Keep yourself a secret from the world. Also: deodorant: Wear it.



LEO (July 24 – Aug. 23):
The whole world isn’t against you, just one person is. But that person is really funking up your jive so you’re going to have to do the worst thing in the world ever: talk to them about it. Ugh.

VIRGO (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23):
You got bank! Celebrate by not blowing it. Be a cheap-ass punk for a while, Virg. Can I call you Virg? No? Okay, good call.

LIBRA (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23):
Yeah, those jerks who keep telling you you’re going to arse everything up? They’re totes wrong, dude. You’re good.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22):
Why so paranoid? Get over yourself: you’re not worth surveilling. Plus all these worries are practically jinxing yourself. Crack a bottle of 50 (or one of thoes adorbs #Canada150 cans) and just chill for a while, weirdo.

Saddle up, Scorp.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21):
Well aren’t you frigging special? Look at everyone making a fuss over you. Don’t let it go to your head. You’re not that great. (Just kidding — you are actually awesome.)

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20): “Look on the bright side,” they told you. So you did. And now you’ve gone overboard. Reel it back in. Things may not be as rosy as they appear in the mirror.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19):
Because mind planet Mercury squares up to Neptune, planet of illusion, it’s time to overanalyze all your actions. Don’t take chances, Aqua. Don’t let Céline lead you astray.



PISCES (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20):
Don’t be a weak-arsed wanker in your negotiations and compromises. Stay strong, Pisces.