How To Write A Letter To Drake

 

How do you write a letter to Drake? That’s easy: jot down what you want to say and drop it in the mail to him at his agent’s address (which I have and will share with you in this post).

I mean, we all know he’s building that swank mansion in Toronto’s Bridle Path but we’re looking for the non-creepy way to contact him.

But what do you say to Drake? I mean, I think you can write to him and say you love him and request a photo and/or autograph and include an American stamped, self-addressed envelope and wait by your mailbox for three to six months to see if you receive a reply.

But what if you need to write a more complex letter to Drake, a letter where you have to communicate ideas and information to him and ask him a favour? How do you write that letter to Drake?

I have to do this. Background info: I wrote a book, Is Canada Even Real?, it comes out in May. It has a whole chapter about Drake. I want to let him know and also ask him to blurb it. YES I KNOW IT’S A LONGSHOT but my whole career is built on longshots and anyway, shut up. What’s a blurb, you ask? It’s, like, on the book’s cover where they have quotes from important people saying the book was really good.

Here are my attempts to date:

Dear Drake,

I like your music and I wrote a book and would you like to read it because here it is.

Dear Drake,

I wrote a chapter about you in my book. I know. You’re worth more than a chapter, you should have the whole book, volumes of books in fact. Got it. Okay. I’ll just let myself out. And by that, I mean I’ll sign off now.

K, bye,
Jen Villamere

Dear Drake,

Here is a copy of my book. Or an excerpt. It might be electronic. It might be paper. Like, a hard copy. Uncorrected proofs or something. I’m not sure, I don’t have all the details in front of me from the publisher right now.

What’s that?

Oh, yes I do have a publisher. Also? An agent and! A publicist. I feel that these things are very glamourous, don’t you? See, you have an agent, I have an agent, we’re both … from … Canada, we’re practically twinsies. Here, read this book.

Sincerely,
J.C. Villamere

Dear Mr. Drake,

Congratulations on your hook up with Jennifer Lopez. Why’d you have to pull that shit over the holidays? Think of the poor peddlers like me, who cover music stars on Instagram for ET Canada, breathlessly writing updates online when we should be fighting other parents for Hatchimals (did you know that Hatchimals are Canadian?)

See, I’ve kind of got Canadian things and Canada in general on the brain. Here’s where this letter pivots from asking that you only make news during designated business hours and towards the item at hand. (Also, yes, I used the word pivots because it’s a basketball word and I know you like basketball.)

The item at hand is this book I wrote that … OK, two things:

1. It has a chapter about you

2. If you blurb it I can retire

This letter is part scolding (sorry about that), part compliment, and part … not begging but is soliciting the right word? I feel like that’s just for lawyers and whores. Imma google it.

Okay Drake, I’m back and it’s: “ask for or try to obtain (something) from someone.”

It’s still, it’s a skeezy word, right? Solicit. I think because it sounds like illicit. Which is bad. In some way.

Precisely in this way: “forbidden by law, rules, or custom.”

Forbidden is a strong word, eh? Ahhh, words … Hey! Both our moms were teachers. So. You probably like, like, good punctuation and stuff like I do. And learning the meaning of words. I know your mom is good at Scrabble because I saw you talk about it on the Tonight Show. Oh! Actually? That’s one of the things I wrote about in my book!

I have this book, Drake. It’s called Is Canada Even Real? How a Nation Built on Hobos, Beavers, Weirdos, and Hip-Hop Convinced the World to Beliebe and it’s coming out from Dundurn Press in May.

There’s a section on hip-hop that has chapters on Maestro, Electric Circus, Snow (“In-forrrrrrrm-er!”) and you. I wrote about your ardent authenticity. I hope you like it. I like you.

Okay, bye!

J.C. Villamere

 

Okay, perfect, ctrl+P annnnnd print that sucker then I’ll just slip it in the mail to:

Aubrey Graham
c/o William Morris Endeavor Entertainment
9601 Wilshire Blvd. 3rd Floor
Beverly Hills, CA
90210-5213 USA

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