VALENTINE’S DAY TIP: If you’re going to hurl yourself into a wood chipper, you’ll want to go in head first.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) February 14, 2013
Taco Bell offering special heart-shaped pools of diarrhea.
— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) February 14, 2013
Let’s take a moment on this Valentine’s Day to remember all those who fought and died for love, and how stupid they were, and buy Pennzoil.
— Senile Don Draper (@SenileDonDraper) February 14, 2013
I hope everyone’s having a great Valentine’s Day, or as I like to call it “Bite-your-bottom-lip-until-it-bleeds Day”
— adam matonic (@dietschweppes) February 14, 2013
hey guys happy valentine’s day i’m listening to fiona apple if anyone wants to come lie face down on the floor
— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) February 14, 2013
Read more great tweets here, eh?