Grammys’ Most Worst Red Carpeters & Sundry Others

Tori Kelly, hottest girl at the 1988 prom. She kisses her Kelly Bundy poster every night before bed. (Here’s your Who is this person? tip: This American Idol contestant and YouTube star is now managed by Scooter Braun, who also reps Bieber and Kanye. She was nominated for the Best New Artist Grammy last year.)


Usually I would say, “No. Stop.” to this kind of hat & robe nonsense but this is George Clinton of Parliament Funkadelic (with Carlon Thompson-Clinton) and he can do whatever he wants. I will, however, issue a stern warning that your shoe game needs to be way uppped, George. Sure, you’re 75, you need comfortable shoes, I get it. Just, next year, spray paint them silver or some shit. You’re sending a message that people can pull off a sailor cap crown paired with hikers from Mark’s Work Wearhouse and I cannot abide by that.


Santigold nails it. I mean, the pose is stiff and the bangs are not great but the dress and shoes are just terrific and frankly we need more of this. (Here’s your Who is this person? tip: She’s big in Britain.)


Now that she’s escaped from fleshy girl group Fifth Harmony, singer Camila Cabello is finally free to cover herself.


“Can’t talk! Got to go arse things up in the most horribly charming way possible! Tra lah!” – Adelle


Here’s record producer Ricky Reed with wife, chef Laura Miller. I didn’t know that doilies could throw up but I’m kind of glad they can because this look is OK.


Blink 182: Go home dads, you’re irrelevant.


This hoargnut did a tacky gown reveal stunt on the red carpet. First she’s in a white robe then …

… it’s removed by a chagrined assistant while horror-struck bystanders look on at her tacky pro-Trump gown.

Whoever this is, she gives fame whores a bad name. Bad!


Cage The Elephant: Every one of these guys looks like a terrible amateur magician. I would say “Cage the stylist!” but that’s a little too twee and plus maybe Beck is their stylist because look at the hats. #FreeBeck

Weezer lead singer Rivers Cuomo is so pissed his bandmates ignored his ‘NECK TIES MANDATORY’ all-band memo. Joke’s on pink sweater guy because he looks like a ghost turd.

You know what’s not like a ghost turd? My forthcoming book, Is Canada Even Real? Pre-order it today!

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