Thursday, April 16, 2015

BREAKING NEWS: National treasure Heather O'Neill and that guy from WireTap are no longer a thing

Heather O'Neill, beloved Canadian novelist, poet, short story writer, screenwriter and journalist, is no longer loved up with that guy who records fake calls to his parents and plays them on CBC Radio on Sunday afternoons.

I just heard O'Neill read from her brand new book, Daydreams of Angels (which is fabulous, BTW), at the gritLIT Festival and I can report exclusively that during the Q&A session afterwards, an attendee raised her hand to say that she was first introduced to O'Neill's work on CBC's WireTap program, which is hosted by her rumoured former paramour, Jonathan Goldstein. O'Neill was asked if she would continue to appear on the program.

"No!" said O'Neill. She added, "Haven't you heard the gossip?"

Everyone in the room replied mentally in unison, "No. We are in Hamilton."

Like many, I though her canoodlification with Goldstein was a match made in weirdo Canadiana lit nerd heaven, but it is not so.

Admittedly, I love both O'Neill and Goldstein equally. They are both dear, long-time friends of mine (they just don't know it). I have faithfully listened to WireTap for years, replaying episodes over and over, sometimes up to 70 times (because I'm a psycho). I've adored Heather O'Neill's writing in The Walrus and her books, Lullabies for Little CriminalsThe Girl Who Was Saturday Night, and her new one, which she just signed for me, Daydreams of Angels.

Did you know authors will sign however you ask them to?
But O'Neill is the lucky member of this ex-couple who gets to keep me as a friend (in my imagination).

Even though my daily life is filled with my fanciful imaginings of fostering fruitful friendships with O'Neill and Goldstein (or anyone, really, anyone), in real life, I just met O'Neill for the first time an hour ago and it was 100 per cent like that time Chris Farley interviewed Paul McCartney:

Except I sweat more than Farley.

Me and my forever bestie, Heather O'Neill.

gritLIT runs all weekend; is awesome. Follow us on Twitter for more breaking news.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Louis C.K. was built to crush Jimmy Fallon's dream [VIDEO]

Equal parts delightful, hilarious and thought provoking. Enjoy:

Festival D'Été de Québec unveils a 2015 lineup your dad will love

Okay, there's a lot of dad rock here, but it's a pretty solid lineup overall:

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Watch this Polish airline celebrate its 500,000 customer [VIDEO]

Meanwhile at Warsaw Chopin Airport:

You won't believe the Canadian behind this amazing cover of 'Take Me To Church' [VIDEO]

That's right, it's Kiesza! 

(It rhymes with High-za.) She of the inescapable red suspenders Eurotrash video for her hit, Hideaway:

If you saw her live at the JUNOS, you were blown away. If you saw her live at the JUNOS via your television, you were, like, Why are the production values on this awards show so shitty?

Today in sex news: Celebrity edition! Isabella Rossellini's sexy animal play, the Bruce Jenner interview, Madonna in Cosmo

Isabella Rossellini stages play about sex lives of animals
Internationally renowned supermodel and actress Isabella Rossellini is bringing her one-woman show Green Porno to Vancouver's PuSh festival, educating audiences about the sex lives of animals. READ MORE >>

Bruce Jenner's sit down interview with Diane Sawyer has been scheduled for April 24. READ MORE >>

Madonna serves up sex in May 2015 ‘Cosmopolitan’ spread
Madge gets sexy with Ellen Von Unwerth for 'Cosmopolitan.' READ MORE >>

And a 6-pack to go: Ontario bars want to sell takeout beer

Grabbing beer to go from your local bar would mean wider distribution for craft brewers who complain about their limited access to the LCBO and Beer Store. 6 provinces, including Quebec and British Columbia, already allow restaurants and bars to sell beer for home consumption as part of their liquor licences. READ MORE >>

In B.C., you have a choice of beers, ciders and wines — both local, foreign and even from other provinces, depending on the pub. In Nova Scotia, you could take home some of the restaurant’s own brew. In Alberta, you can get your beer but only if you’re in a hotel bar or at a brewer-owned pub. In Saskatchewan, you could even take a mickey of gin with your after-dinner mint. READ MORE >>

The Liberal government says the spring budget will include changes to the way beer and wine are sold in the province. But Premier Kathleen Wynne says she'll wait for the report from the special advisory panel on government assets before deciding how spirits, wine and beer should be sold. READ MORE >>

Ontario's Minister of Finance Charles Sousa has said a provincial budget will be tabled this spring but has not yet announced a date for it.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Dr. Fredric Brandt's death: Does Martin Short have blood on his hands?

Dr. Fredric Brandt, dermatologist to stars such as Madonna and Stephanie Seymour, was found dead in his Miami home yesterday. In an absurd twist, the work of Canadian comedian Martin Short has been implicated on social media.

Lesley Abravanel, Celebrity Columnist for the Miami Herald for over 15 years, posted these tweets about the circumstances of Dr. Brandt's death:

The facts
  1. Brandt's publicist has confirmed his death but has not confirmed the cause
  2. His publicist says he had been suffering from an illness
  3. Unidentified sources say he was depressed and he committed suicide
  4. Unidentified sources say he was devastated by comparisons to a minor character played by Martin Short on 'Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt'

Thursday, April 2, 2015

The Stephen Leacock Medal for Humour's hilarious record of overlooking women

The short list for this year's Stephen Leacock Award was announced yesterday. A woman made the shortlist! Zarqa Nawaz' s Laughing All The Way to the Mosque is in the running. But what chance does she have of winning? If gender is an indicator, not much.

What is the Stephen Leacock Award?

The Stephen Leacock Memorial Medal for Humour is presented annually to the writer of the year's best Canadian humour book written in English. Established in 1947, it's one of our country's oldest literary prizes and it's the only one awarded for humour.

The award is a tribute to Canadian humourist Stephen Leacock whose work is so awesome and I am so passionate about it that one time I stole this record from my high school library:
I'm not just bitching about inequality, I'm passionate about this guy and his award.

See the Canadian art that just blew Christie's Auction House away

Here are the 2 early 19th-century oil paintings by an anonymous Canadian artist that were estimated to sell for a maximum of $74,860 as a pair at a London auction yesterday. The pair sold for a whopping $992,880 — that's 13 times the asking price.

Both paintings depict Mi'kmaqs hunting Canada geese. The anonymous artist was based in New Brunswick or Nova Scotia. Let's have a look. Here's the first piece:

And some details of the first piece:

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

I thought Periscope was the social media network where Chris Hadfield would finally drop trou. So far: Nerp

Twitter’s live-broadcast video app, Periscope, launched less than a week ago and has quickly become a smash hit app that everyone loves. Canadian astronaut and social media master Chris Hadfield is all over it. His dick? Not so much.

It’s a free app that lets you broadcast live video of whatever you’re doing and you can watch the live video of others: see a Belgian stroll around the grocery store, help a Vietnamese woman choose her eye shadow, go through the car wash with some guy in Windsor. A lot of it is everyday people doing normal things but it’s more than the sum of its parts and the result is a connection that closely mimics the human-to-human level.

You can make comments on broadcasts which then pop up on screen for both the streamer and viewers to read. You can also tap the screen to send a little heart emoji.

Since installing the Periscope app five days ago, I've seen zero dicks broadcast. Is there an all-dicks Periscope somewhere? (Asking for a friend.)

[UPDATE: An unaffiliated app called Peniscope is set to launch this fall.] 

Today in music news: Joni Mitchell hospitalized, Avril vs. Lyme disease, new Bieber album gets help from Kanye

Joni Mitchell hospitalized after being found unconscious at home
The singer and songwriter Joni Mitchell was hospitalized on Tuesday in Southern California after she was found unconscious at her home, the folk singer’s official website and Twitter account said in a statement ... In a February interview with New York magazine, Ms. Mitchell, 71, said that the past eight years had been a “survival blur” of health issues. Over the years, she said that she had suffered from polio and its neurological effects, scarlet fever, dengue and Morgellons disease, a mysterious skin condition. READ MORE >>

Avril Lavigne had Lyme disease
"I felt like I couldn't breathe, I couldn't talk and I couldn't move," she says. "I thought I was dying." Her mom moved in to help take care of her, while her husband Chad Kroeger, 40, stepped in when he could during breaks in his tour with Nickelback. READ MORE >>

Friday, March 27, 2015

100 years of fitness trends in 100 seconds [VIDEO]

Enjoy this fit person doing stuff not on her recliner:

I really thought Jazzercise was in the '80s and maybe jogging was the trend of the '70s. But what do I know? I'm a fat sack of shit.

Your real horoscope: March 27—April 2

ARIES (March 21 - April 20):
Go braless. Or wear two bras. Or just a regular bra. Whatever feels best. Apply that logic to everything in your life.

TAURUS (April 21 - May 21):
It’s family time, sucker. Fam is more important than all the loonies in Scrooge McDuck’s vault, so plan your time accordingly.

GEMINI (May 22 - June 21):
Get hustling. Mingle, chat, get out there, get known. You’ll find work contacts plus someone to bone.

Who the fuck is Calvin Harris?

Whoever he is, reports claim he's hooking up with Taylor Swift. So who is this guy? Here's what we know so far:

1. He looks a bit like a young Kevin Costner:

2. He was born with the bland name Adam Wiles so he chose to change it to the bland name Calvin Harris.