ARIES (March 21 - April 20):
Most of the shit you’re working on doesn’t matter, so stop because no one cares and life is ultimately meaningless.
Now you’ll have more free time to chill at Starbucks.
TAURUS (April 21 - May 21):
We get it, you’re the greatest. We know already, so stop telling us. Stop talking altogether. No one likes it when people talk to them.
GEMINI (May 22 - June 21):
You do you. So what if no one else cares and you will ultimately die alone? Do your thing. It’s probably awesome.
CANCER (June 22 - July 23):
Some people get off on being shit on. If you’re not one of them, let people know.
LEO (July 24 - Aug. 23):
Annoying people are so annoying and you’re in no humour for them. Try not to choke them out, OK tiger?
VIRGO (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23):
Lucky you, you’re in for a fun day. Sure, it’s a day of diabolical extremes probably attributed to latently-diagnosed mental illness. But fun all the same.
LIBRA (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23):
You’re fucking full of yourself today, aren’t you? Just remember what it’s like to be full of regrets and act accordingly.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22):
Dominate today as usual. Be bossy, be demanding, punch above your weight. It’s your thing.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21):
Even though they can’t possibly be as good as you, try to treat others like they’re still, like, okay/decent/human people. Especially fam and friends.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20):
You are the Axe Body Spray of people today. Dial. It. Down. You’re coming off as douchey. Be aware.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19):
Lucky you, you creative genius. Get the housework out of the way so you can make things.
PISCES (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20):