Monday, December 15, 2014

Your real horoscope: December 15-21

ARIES (March 21 - April 20):
Most of the shit you’re working on doesn’t matter, so stop because no one cares and life is ultimately meaningless. 
Now you’ll have more free time to chill at Starbucks.

TAURUS (April 21 - May 21):
We get it, you’re the greatest. We know already, so stop telling us. Stop talking altogether. No one likes it when people talk to them.

GEMINI (May 22 - June 21):
You do you. So what if no one else cares and you will ultimately die alone? Do your thing. It’s probably awesome.

CANCER (June 22 - July 23):
Some people get off on being shit on. If you’re not one of them, let people know.

LEO (July 24 - Aug. 23):
Annoying people are so annoying and you’re in no humour for them. Try not to choke them out, OK tiger?

VIRGO (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23):
Lucky you, you’re in for a fun day. Sure, it’s a day of diabolical extremes probably attributed to latently-diagnosed mental illness. But fun all the same.

LIBRA (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23):
You’re fucking full of yourself today, aren’t you? Just remember what it’s like to be full of regrets and act accordingly.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22):
Dominate today as usual. Be bossy, be demanding, punch above your weight. It’s your thing.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21):
Even though they can’t possibly be as good as you, try to treat others like they’re still, like, okay/decent/human people. Especially fam and friends.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20):
You are the Axe Body Spray of people today. Dial. It. Down. You’re coming off as douchey. Be aware.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19):
Lucky you, you creative genius. Get the housework out of the way so you can make things.

PISCES (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20):
Glove slap! You’re being challenged. Accept with aplomb and maybe that will be enough for them to back down. Then you can just have a nap. 

Monday, December 8, 2014

As seen at your funeral: A giant statue of you at work

Hockey hero Jean Béliveau is a national treasure and is rightfully being recognized in the wake of his passing last week. But photos from the public viewing underway at the Bell Centre in Montreal made me wonder what it would be like if you were celebrated à la Béliveau.

Check this out:

What if your public viewing took place where you work, festooned with banners blaring your employer's corporate brand identity and there was a big, striking statue of you doing your job? (Picture a huge sculpture of you frowning at a spreadsheet on your monitor.)

Because when you break it down, that's what's happening here. A statue of Béliveau doing his job, flanked by his employer's logo. And there's his casket.

Maybe flowers arranged to depict your business card.
If you replace the Habs' logo with, say, IBM's, then it starts to feel very '1980s Japanese business culture,' doesn't it?

What a weird culture we're doing here.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

"You weird fish fucker," plus 4 more great tweets

Monday, September 29, 2014

Premier Brian Gallant, full-time dreamboat of your dreams

Can we just take some time to recognize the dreamboat who is New Brunswick Premier-designate Brian Gallant? Because I thought I'd never say this, but this guy can pull off guy-lights. And that's no small feat because on anyone else, those streaks would be a for-sure deal breaker.

But somehow Gallant, with his Masters of Law from McGill and his multiple provincial tennis championship wins, can pull them off. And also, probably, your pants with just one glance.

That jawline.

That smile.

That Trudeau!
How, in all the coverage I consumed of the New Brunswick election, was his obvious hotness not a prevailing theme? Hath the CBC no eyeballs? Anyway, here's what else you need to know:

  1. He's single
  2. At 32, he'll become the youngest premier in Canada when he's sworn in on Oct. 7
  3. He plans to create 6,000 new daycare spaces
  4. He'll introduce free eye exams for four-year-olds
  5. He's going to introduce tax credits to help offset the cost of infertility treatments and adoption expenses
  6. He makes your ovaries explode
Would you follow politics more closely if the press provided more coverage of his dimples? Leave a comment and let us know.

Monday, September 22, 2014

"No weirdos," plus 4 more great tweets

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